My Thankful Day 24 & 25: Jake & Bobbie Kaufman

This time of recognizing people in my life that I'm thankful for has truly been a blessing to me, and I hope it's been a blessing to you!

The next two people I'm thankful for are: Jake & Bobbie Kaufman

Jake, thank you for being such an awesome professor and mentor during those 4 years. Thank you for pushing me to grow and seeing potential in me. You challenged me, and although at times I felt like I was getting no where, I can look back and see major improvements over my time at Central. I appreciate having the opportunity to grow in musical skills, leadership, and creativity. Thank you for your investment in my life not only as a musician/student, but as a person. I enjoyed all of the conversations and coffee consumption that happened.

Bobbie, I remember you being my first admissions counselor and helping me get my application in as a junior. I was later excited to find out you were my RD! I really enjoyed having you as an RD that first year. It was a crazy year, and a lot of fun things happened. I also enjoyed getting to know you & your family over the next few years as I got to spend time with you and the girls and have some good conversation. Thank you for all of the advice and guidance as I became a mother and wanted to give a go at the cloth diapering fiasco (it's been great by the way!) One piece of advice you gave me, that I remind myself of often, is to not try to do everything but to start with one thing. We were talking about trying DIY/natural things at home, but it applies to so many things in my life!

Thank you both for being a part of my life!

My Thankful Day 22 & 23: The Rowden Family

For the past couple days… I will share my thanks for the Rowden family (particularly Carly, John, Abby & Victoria)!

This family is pretty great! They are each passionate about serving Christ and it's beautiful. I appreciate the way you all have fun, love and serve.

Carly, I really enjoy just talking with you. I've learned a lot from you already about life, DIY home-making, recipes, etc… it's exciting to have someone to gain a little wisdom from and see in action doing super awesome, crazy, inventive stuff. I'm encouraged by your story and the way you live out your life. Thank you for investing in me and supporting me in my journey.

John, you're also fun to talk to! I appreciate the way you approach subjects with humility as well as humor. I'm thankful for your investment into Joshua. I know he's really enjoyed getting to know you and learning from you.

Abby & Victoria. You both are super awesome friends. I enjoy your goofiness and the fun you have with Jeremiah. Thanks for the times you've watched him during church and helped take care of him. It's definitely appreciated!

Thanks for being a great family we can get to know and participate with =)

My Thankful Day 20 & 21: Derek & Liz Shore

I started this Saturday… so here it is!
Last night (Friday) we had the privilege of sharing dinner with our pastor, Derek Shore & his beautiful wife, Liz. Although Joshua already expressed our thankfulness for them at dinner, I wanted to share some of my own thoughts =)

Derek, thank you for your commitment to the gospel of Christ. The Kingdom of God is at hand and that changes everything. Thank you for encouraging Joshua & I, as we have sought to participate with & serve this local body. It's awesome to see the way you care for and serve others. If you're not able to help someone directly you often know of someone who can and will help direct the need so it gets met. I appreciate your honesty, passion and good humor.

Liz, you've been such a blessing to us! We appreciate the ways you've taken care of us like your own children, even buying us pajamas for the year we spent Christmas with your family (and for allowing us to even participate in family events!) It's such a blessing to have a Wichita family and begin to make this our home. We know that you and your family are there for us. You have such a beautiful heart for others, I love how much fun you have and how loving you are. You especially have a way with children.

I love you both and your awesome family! Thank you for including me and mine into yours =)

Confession: wanting to love, but still have fear

This is simply my confession. I'm not asking for pity, or answers, or even reproof, just hear me out if you care to.

It's easy for me to say the things I believe should be true, but then I wrestle with the reality of the follow-through. Obviously most recent, the issue of Syrian Refugees. I believe they matter, I believe that danger or no danger, they need help and we should be extending the arms of Christ to them. I believe that not allowing them safe refuge is turning away those we should be loving. 

However, when I really begin to think about this question, "Would I be willing to house a family of refugees?" I stop and realize that it gets a little more messy. (I realize that isn't exactly the protocol that involves allowing them into the country, It's simply a question that came to mind and I had to think about.) I'd like to say 'absolutely'. But to be honest, there is fear, and there are concerns. As others have made comparisons, when it comes to helping the homeless or those in need, I've always believed in discernment. There have been times we have felt it right to give rides to people (yes even with Jeremiah in the car), and there was once the potential of having someone stay with us (hasn't happened yet though). Again, I've always believed in discernment for those things…

On the other hand, Christ did say that we were to expect persecution and trials. I don't believe that means to go looking for persecution or to walk directly into death for no reason, but to love in spite of persecution. To love despite the possibility of danger or death, because we trust in a God who casts out fear and we know that He is greater. 

I know a story of a woman who allowed a man to stay in her basement, and he ended up killing her. As terrifying as that is, I don't believe she was foolish. She was living the love of Christ and extending her arms in grace. I don't believe serving Christ means we won't be taken advantage of or that he will fully protect us from every harm, but it does mean that someone might actually SEE his love.

All of that said… I'm learning and growing too. I don't believe the answer is 'NO SYRIAN REFUGEES.' I don't know if the answer is 'Yes, I will house them,' or not. (I realize no one has asked me to do this). I'm simply sharing some of the thoughts in my head and wanting to say that I don't have it all together and I'm not quite as bold as I'd like to pretend I am. But my heart is simply beating with this belief that we have to extend our arms in love and believe that perfect love cast out fear… that's the armor I want to bear, and no I'm not really there yet. We will see where this journey leads me.

My Thankful Day 18 & 19: Ryan and Allison Mackey

Yesterday I spent all day preparing things for Joshua's birthday… but today I'd like to continue with the amazing couple that mentored Josh & I in our relationship and spiritual lives: Ryan & Allison Mackey

Ryan Mackey, DJ, Father, Master, friend =)

Thank you for absolutely everything you've done in my life. It all began when I was part of Rose Among Thorns and you were the band 'manager' so to speak. I was a little intimidated by the awesome beard and low voice at first, but as I got to know you I found how kind-hearted you were. Through those years you also became a spiritual mentor, an awesome teacher, a 'boss' whom I apprenticed under to learn about growing in faith, good music, great coffee, and awesome beards, and a mentor through Joshua & I's relationship. 

Having you and Allison to look up to was probably one of the best things for our relationship. From the get go we feel like we had good communication and realistic expectations; we learned a lot of that from you two. 

Like I've said, you were very influential to us spiritually. One of my favorite classes was Spiritual Formation over interterm. I have grown in ways I never expected to in my faith throughout college, my eyes have been opened to so much richness in the church life that I didn't see before. I could talk to you about almost anything. Thank you for being there to listen and advise, and to sometimes say 'I don't know'. 

Allison Mackey, the lovely wife, the coordinator, the brains behind the operations ;) 

I'm especially thankful for you because you and Ryan are such a beautiful team. Obviously I wouldn't have had the opportunity to get to know you if not for Ryan, but the more you and I have talked, the more I have learned and grown. 

I appreciate your boldness and confidence. You aren't the most talkative person until you're passionate about something, and when you speak it's meaningful. Thank you for your words of affirmation and wisdom. 

I also have to say thank you for sharing your family with us. Those times we spent out at your mother's house, your aunts, and getting to know various family members and friends were also very influential. Your mother especially really spoke to our hearts. We always left her home feeling refreshed and loved. 

Thank you both for loving us and walking with us on this journey. I can't possibly express how much you mean to us. 

My Thankful Days…. 14, 15, 16, 17: Chad Geiger, Tim Greenawalt, Talena Greenawalt, Jamie Sparks

WOW I got way off track. I don't even know what happened… Sorry everyone! I'm catching up right now though!

#14: Chad Geiger, high school friend, gymnastics bud, yearbook pals & super awesome dancer

Thanks for being a great friend and example! I remember getting to know you freshman year in yearbook class. I was just beginning to become serious in my faith, & it was encouraging to know another person very strong in their faith. I enjoyed talking about music with you, and just being crazy and goofy with you.

We had a lot of fun hanging out! I love your sense of humor and energy, it's contagious!

#15: Tim Greenawalt, pastor, guitar teacher, 2nd dad

Thank you for always being there for me and being someone I could trust. I really appreciated learning to play guitar from you. You encouraged me and gave me opportunities to grow by allowing me to play on the worship team and to share songs I've written.

I learned a lot watching you love and serve others. You have the quiet demeanor of a servant heart, and I often saw you serving in humility. Thank you for that.

#16: Talena Greenawalt, children's director, musical karaoke box, 2nd mom

Thanks for being a fun and real woman in my life. You can make anyone laugh, but you also have a serious and direct approach to things. Thank you for being someone who will tell people when they are wrong and need to straighten their act up (which you did for me many times). You also encouraged me and saw potential in me, so you held higher expectations of me. Again, thank you!

I appreciate your ability to love and serve in children's ministry through your creativity. You always wrote really awesome Christmas plays and I think our VBS's were always the best in implementation and decoration. =)

#17: Jamie Sparks, RD, mentor and wonderful friend

Thank you for pouring into my life in so many ways! I had such a great time having you as an RD, so many dorm memories! I greatly enjoyed our deep and real conversations over the years. It was always helpful to have someone listen as well as speak truth and life into me. I have greatly appreciated our friendship! The laughs, the tears, the honesty, the good food and movies.

You are such a beautiful, loving woman of God. You have a huge heart for others. You're also a woman who has shown me what it's like to be honest and direct with others in the most loving way. Thank you for being an influential part of my life!

My Thankful Day 13: Nathan Hodgson

To my best guy friend through high school, Nathan.

Man time has flown! I'm so thankful for the friendship we've had! Granted, you're now super far away in New York (not that I didn't first move to Kansas…). However, I will always be thankful for the fun we had! We could talk literally for hours about everything! It was fun the way we could often read each other's minds and had our own sort of language that the others didn't always get… lol

I don't even remember what we would actually DO. I think we mostly drank coffee, ate food, and talked and talked and talked, and then played some music here and there, and randomly shopped everywhere.

I've always appreciated your absolutely amazing talent, and your willingness to make me sound better than I was by tolerating and singing with me. Plus you introduced me to some amazing musical artists!

I miss you! Thanks for being an awesome friend!

My Thankful Day 12: Rachel Smithers

Sorry I keep getting behind on these…. thankfully I've yet to get SUPER behind. So here are two coming your way…

For day 12, I'd like to say I'm thankful for my friend Rachel Smithers.

Age differences… what?! Shouldn't you be done & graduated already? =) Well, despite the age difference, you have always been a super close friend! I could never decide if you actually seemed younger than me or not... in some ways I could tell, in other ways I couldn't… and for both of those ways I am grateful! It was so fun having a friend I could be a total goofball with (like the time we danced on pillars as cars drove by), but also stay up late having super serious and deep conversations.

I'm thankful for the beautiful woman of God you've become! It's so neat to see you deepening your relationship with God and going deeper. I love seeing you go through college and making memories that will seriously change your life! Don't take any of that for granted because you WILL miss it afterwards! I'm appreciate your passion, your joy, and your determination to be awesome even in the little things (because honestly, those are the things that matter the most).

Thanks for being a super awesome friend in Christ! Miss you!

My Thankful Day 12: Alicia Wolfe (Smith)

To my hometown sister of 10+ years (when did it all begin again?)…

Alicia, you've been such a great friend. There are so many memories! Through all the ups and downs of life, and living a couple states away... I'm so thankful to still call you my sister in Christ.  I appreciate that you are still there for me and we can still always pick back up when we get together.

When I was going through my crazy stage in middle school, although I was annoyed at the time, you kept me in check. You told me when I was making stupid decisions and even watched me make them anyways. Thank you for sticking by me anyways.

You were always the 'mother hen', and truly you have a beautiful gift with children that I have always been jealous of. I remember all the game nights, parties, youth group and road trips! We had such a blast =)

I miss you dearly and cannot wait to see you again!

My Thankful Day 11: Sara Massie

My last college roommate, my maid of honor, my dear friend…

Sara,
I have truly been blessed by our friendship! In the past I had desired to know someone that I could sit and chat with the way we did. I always looked forward to our weekly Well date (and I definitely miss it!)

Thank you for being a beautiful, servant-hearted, woman of God. Through our friendship, not only was I shaped into a hopefully better friend, but I also learned a ton! Honestly, you introduced me to the world of oils, natural child-birth, carriers, bagels (cause I'm pretty sure I didn't like them until we found our bagel at The Well), tea (I used to never drink tea unless it was sweet tea), and so many other things! Thank you for broadening my horizons!

Thanks for always looking out for my best interest as well. You've always encouraged me to be the best I can be and challenged me if you thought I might be heading the wrong direction. You've been a beautiful sister in Christ! Thank you for your friendship!

My Thankful Day 10: Rachel Wells

To my 2nd college roommate, my boomie for life, fellow stay-at-home-mother…

I'm so incredibly thankful for our friendship! It's been too much fun living 10 minutes away from you! Granted… not quite as fun as living in the same room was, but considering our current circumstance (you know, husbands, kids, etc…) it'll have to do.

Thank you for being bold. I've always admired your straightforward honesty and your confidence. I realize you probably don't always feel very confident in yourself, but overall you know what you think and aren't afraid to speak your mind. It's refreshing to know that I won't get bull from you.

Thank you for sharing your family with mine. We have been blessed to spend time with you all and learn from your mistakes, I mean, wisdom… (I'm totally kidding!) Seriously, I think I would have had a little more difficulty without a great friend, fellow mom, who is literally walking the same path to encourage me.

Also… thanks for introducing me to Friends, Gilmore Girls and Parks & Rec… and for enjoying Christmas songs, Elf, and screaming 'SANTA!' with me. You are pretty awesome =)

My Thankful Days 7,8,9…. (Memaw & Grandpa Thomason, Kami, and Cody)

The weekend was kind of a whirlwind, thus I got a little behind. Nevertheless, the amount of gratitude I have for the following people is just as strong!

Memaw & Grandpa Thomason

Memaw, I'm very thankful for you in my life. You have taught me many things by simply being a bold woman who isn't afraid to be herself and say what you think. You've always seemed confident in yourself and I admire that.

Thank you for all of your loving support! Growing up I remember doing swimming lessons with you and having a ton of fun with that!

I am also thankful for the time I had with Grandpa Thomason. Although I wish I could of had more time, I remember him teaching me little songs on the piano and making me laugh. I also can remember you two having cinnamon gum and breath spray from Amway. Everytime I smell that cinnamon gum it reminds me of that.

Thanks for being a wonderful grandmother!

Kami

Oh the joys of having a sister… I remember growing up with you and fighting ALL the time. It makes me sad, but I'm glad we've mostly stopped that ;) Since then I've been thankful to become friends with you.

I enjoy having fun with you, making jokes and doing silly things. I can't believe we are both mother's with our own little guys now! I'm thankful that you are enjoying Marcus and becoming a loving mom.

Thanks for being my weird sister!

Cody

Oh brother… lol I am thankful for you. You've always been a little goofy goober and it's weird to see you being a big goofy goober. But I'm thankful you are growing up and becoming a strong, respectful young man.

I remember playing crazy games all the time. Remember when I put streamers across the stairway and made you climb through them? I'm glad you still sing some of my silly songs.

Thanks for being my crazy big little brother!

My Thankful Day 6: Grandma Susie & Grandpa Cliff

Today I'd like to say I'm thankful for my Grandma Susie & Grandpa Cliff

I'm thankful for you both! I remember going to your house when I was little and having fun with sleepovers. I remember Friday and the ducks and hiding under the couch because of a bad storm. I remember you taking me to church and singing Sunday School songs with me.

Thank you for loving me and supporting me in so many ways. I appreciate your giving heart, and the sacrifices you make for others. You both always have interesting stories to tell and I appreciate you sharing them and I enjoy hearing them!

I love you both! 

My Thankful Day 5: Autumn

I realize this is a day late… but only because yesterday Jeremiah needed some extra comfort and mommy time.

Dear Autumn Grace,
Here you are at the top of my list and you've yet to fully enter this crazy world! For you, I am beyond thankful! At no point were we ever 'ready' for a child, however after we were first given Jeremiah, we realized nothing can fully prepare you for such a wonderful blessing. God has given us what we need as we needed it (emotionally, financially, mentally) and it's been beautiful! You will be no different. We are excited to be blessed by your beautiful little self!

I'm thankful for the opportunity to be your mother. I'm thankful God has blessed me with this pregnancy. I'm thankful for the gentle reminder to love others more than myself.

I love you already and can't wait to hold you in our arms!

My Thankful Day 4: Jeremiah

This kid has totally changed my life.

Jeremiah,
Today I had planned to write about how I'm thankful for you. Well, over the past 2 hours you've been driving me absolutely crazy... Then I remembered I still needed to write this & my heart shifted. As much as you may frustrate me, I am still incredibly grateful for you on my life.

You are a blessing! At times I'm sure you might think you're only an inconvenience to me; sometimes I treat you that way. However you are most definitely not! Such thoughts are the fault of my own selfishness, because the truth is you are helping me grow in so many ways! I hope to be a great mother & teach you many things, but in so many ways you are teaching me. Thank you.

Thank you for your hugs & kisses, your sweet smiles, your peek-a-boos, and giggles. Thank you for being curious & finding joy in nature. Thank you for reminding me that life is messy and doesn't fit in a neat box.

I love you baby boy!

My Thankful Day 3: Joshua

This guy… he sure is great. =)

Joshua, thank you for being a loving husband. You not only work hard at your job, but you work hard at being a great father to Jeremiah, and a servant to me. I appreciate all of the times you wash dishes, take out the trash/compost, clean the litter box, and cook when I don't feel like it. 

We have a lot of fun doing things together. I enjoy doing projects with you around the house, playing games, and just doing life with you by my side. It's fun to watch you interact with others, you definitely have a gift for loving, serving and connecting with people. 

It means a lot when you listen to the things I say and you encourage/affirm me. Also, thank you for serving with me. I am so glad that we can be a team! 

I love you!

My Thankful Day 2: Dad

Of course for my second day of thanks, how could I choose anyone else but my dad?

Dad, I'm super thankful for all you've done for me. I've watched you work hard to support our family, and I always knew you loved and cared for us. I was always thankful for the little gifts and surprises you would bring us when you came back home from out of town.

Thank you for not only being a super fun dad, but a loving husband to mom. You taught me what a real man looks like and I'm thankful to have found a husband that loves and respects me the way you love and respect mom.

I'm thankful for your sense of humor, your ability to work on various projects and do them well, your work ethic (and perfectionism), and your playfulness (like dancing to music in the car) 

=) I love you!  

My Thankful Day 1: Mom

This month is a month of Thanksgiving. After reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp (If you haven't read it... read it please!) my view of thanksgiving, or eucharisteo, has been enriched so beautifully. I made it a goal of mine to also list one thousand gifts over the next year and have not been so successful at keeping up with it... however I am often reminded of blessings and gifts from God. I am constantly going back to this thought of giving God thanks for every little beautiful thing in my life and keeping my eyes wide open for every beautiful thing.

So, this month my goal is to choose one thing I'm thankful for each day. What better place to start than the most meaningful of all: the people in my life.

I must first focus on the person who has loved me and known me from day 1, my mom.

So mom, I'm thankful for you! Being a mother myself now, my eyes have been opened to a deeper appreciation of all that you did for me. I now know the joys and fears you must have experienced with me.

I appreciate the love and care you gave in so many ways. I specifically remember times you stayed up all night taking care of me when I was sick, and often times got sick yourself in the process. I'm thankful for the ways you sacrificially served our family through all the cooking, cleaning, taking us places, and money spent. You've always supported me in my passions and interests.

Thank you for being a great example for me to look up to and follow. I think of you often as I am now raising my own little goober =) I love you!  

The Busy Correlation

So to be honest, a couple days here and there I've done great with the whole internet thing. And then… not so great. I mean all of the things I was doing online I needed to do (insert sarcasm). I mean who doesn't need to make sure to look up a variety of ideas for Thanksgiving and Christmas traditions? It's right around the corner people and we all know that the time to start a tradition is NOW.

The other day Joshua was praying for me and he prayed that I would use my creative mind instead of feeling the need to look everything up all the time. OUCH, but it's true! I pride myself in my creativity, however over the past few years most of my creativity has been Pinterest inspired or copied.

The past couple days I've been overwhelmed with a feeling of busy-ness. I have this list of things to do and ideas to figure out, on top of that I'm trying to be a good mom. For example, the majority of this morning I was stressing over the foods I feed to Jeremiah. I feel like he's had a LOT of goldfish lately, and not very many veggies. There just doesn't seem to be much around the house for me to give him and yet I'm somehow overspending our budget on food! Then I see this article about a family that spends only $50 a week on food for 2 adults and 2 toddlers… I didn't read it, but I can only imagine massive amounts of couponing is involved. And lets be real, ain't nobody got time for that. 

After researching on meal plans and ideas for toddlers and trying this complicated system, I finally decided on a simpler idea (my own actually) and then decided to move on to other tasks like cleaning. I got Jeremiah down for his nap then began sweeping, vacuuming, wiping down counters and putting away dishes. Phew! Done for now…

I'm finally sitting here writing and trying to slow my breathing, because a little thought sparked my mind. There seems to be a correlation between the amount of time I'm looking things up online and the amount of stress I feel. Don't get me wrong, I am the first to 'google that' and I adore the accessibility to information I have at my fingertips; I crave it actually. However, truth be told, the large amount of things I feel like I need to do probably wouldn't be on my list if I had not come across it online.

Researching every thought that comes to mind not only takes up my time, but it then potentially gives me a bigger list of things to do that I would have had before. Thus… I'm busy.

I tend to go over and above on the silliest things, and then I feel the need to top it the next year (like my husband's birthday that's coming up…).  I even researched activities to do with Jeremiah… how about just play with him and spend time with him? Sometimes the most meaningful things don't need much hoopla.

**Update**
After writing this I sat down and began going through part of my Bible Study that I missed a couple weeks ago. This was definitely something I needed to be reminded of:

God created us to be content when we love Him and others sacrificially. 

The writer talks about Ecclesiastes and how multiple times Solomon said he found contentment in the simple daily things: eating, drinking and labor. All of the 'hoopla' we build up is meaningless. But when we lovingly serve God and others by carrying out the seemingly mundane daily tasks, we find satisfaction and meaning.

Something's gotta give….

Last year I lived without internet at home from the months of January to November. Meaning that the first month and a half of Jeremiah's life I didn't have internet. When we did get internet, I BINGED on Netflix like nobody's business. Granted I was doing a ton of breastfeeding at the time so it seemed legit, but I seriously became addicted and had trouble NOT pulling the computer out to start the next episode, even if there were other things I wanted to do (and needed to do). 

This year when we moved in April we again decided to go internet-less for 5 months. Rather than take advantage of the time I could have been investing in Jeremiah, I felt very stressed a lot of the time. There literally were things that I needed to do online, based on the way we've structured our lifestyle: online bills and payments, email and facebook messages, other important things that can only be done online. So I was constantly using a lot of my free time to go find internet with a baby who was getting more and more frustrated sitting on my lap at a coffee-shop with nothing to do and no mommy to interact with (I was too busy trying to get stuff done). 

Then we FINALLY got internet! I was positive this would help me de-stress because now I could get things done AT HOME! Well... it hasn't. Because honestly, it's my crutch. When I can't think of something to do and my mind is getting close to the point where the only thing left to do is muster up some energy and actually spend time playing with my son, it seeks something else to occupy it. I tell myself I can browse pinterest (for absolutely no reason) and still interact with him, but he's not getting my full attention, he's getting my broken, divided, half-hearted attention. 

We don't really have TV (I mean we can watch VHS or DVD movies but we hardly ever do) and Jeremiah isn't interested anyways. Which I actually praise! I'm glad we aren't glued to our TVs on a regular basis. But how can I praise that when I am JUST as bad if not worse with my computer?

I'm sharing this because I'm convicted and I need accountability. I desire a full on relationship with my kids. I want to get down and dirty with them outside rather than lay on my hammock finding something to do on my iPhone. I want to show them how to use their imagination as we play different games together. I want to enjoy the beauty of the world around us with my eyes wide open and take in the wonder of their own explorations.

To be honest, I'm finding that I would rather mindlessly browse the internet than spend time with my son. And as much as that hurts to say and I would never have actually SAID such a thing, it's what my actions say and we all know that actions speak louder than words. So today I commit myself to a challenge:

• I will intentionally have playtime with my kids (and more than 10 minutes a day)
• I will participate in activities with them
• I will use my morning time for devotions (instead of checking facebook)
• I will find a specific time that works for me to accomplish tasks online
• I will limit my 'browsing' time to 30 minutes a day (if it doesn't NEED to be done, it can wait)

So there it is! I truly pray that this will be transformative for my life and the life of my family. If you have any helpful thoughts or advice that is super welcome! This isn't a 'pity-me' post, I don't need people telling me that my internet usage isn't 'that bad' and trying to comfort me or reassure me that I'm a good mother. I've decided, all by myself, that the time I spent on the computer was more than I want for our family's life.

Disclaimer: This does not mean I've forgotten the importance of time to myself, and I know that Jeremiah does not need my constant attention 24/7. I just took a little too much time for myself and neglected sharing in his excitement more than I would like.  

People Pleaser

I've always been a people pleaser. I think we all are in some way, but we just want to please different types of people so it doesn't always look the same. I also like to keep the peace and keep people from arguing or getting mad/frustrated with each other. I strongly dislike conflict.

I have thoughts, opinions, and beliefs that I believe (and hope) are being shaped by the Holy Spirit as I seek to know the heart of God and the love of Christ. Of course, not everyone always agrees with me, nor do I agree with everyone. Lately this has been a source of great anxiety for me because I want to either appease other's thoughts about me and find some common ground so they don't think I'm too off base (from their 'correct' view), or I want to convince them to see things my way.

I was thinking about all of this getting pretty agitated and this verse from Galatians 1:10 came to mind

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.

 So… whenever I live to please others, I am not being a servant of Christ. My people-pleasing tendencies distract me from my purpose to please God! Obviously it is good to listen to what others have to say and to seek wisdom from others in our thoughts of God, but I can't agree with everyone or make everyone ok with what I believe I'm learning from God.

I want to learn to be more open to thoughtful discussion over areas of disagreement and not sense a need to make everyone agree one way or the other.

Thank you to those friends in my life that have allowed for this. That have not always agreed with me or expected me to agree with them, but have contributed to the development of my thoughts. =)

Autumn Grace

This morning I woke up and realized there was a beautiful chilly autumn breeze and began opening my windows. After taking Josh to work I got home and made some pumpkin spice syrup and had a delicious homemade pumpkin latte. Jeremiah played in the den and I got dressed in my favorite fall gear. Jeans, boots, green cardigan, funky orange scarf. We enjoyed a pretty relaxing morning and then ran off to pick Josh back up from work for our ultrasound appointment. On the way I realized it was the perfect autumn day: the breeze, changing colors of the leaves, bright blue sky… it all brought me such peace!
I still was pretty unsure of the gender of our baby. Part of me really thought it was going to be a boy, but this morning I had this feeling… it was time for Autumn =)

Until now, I was wrestling with the name Autumn for a little girl born in February, but this morning made the name absolutely perfect name for her.

Autumn Grace: full of beauty and bestowed with blessings.

Discipline

Good morning! 2 time-outs in 1 hour, we're on a roll!
In case you haven't noticed this blog is becoming more and more of me hashing out my theology and the practices of living out my faith.

Recently I've been figuring out how to discipline a 1 year old. I desire to see him grow and learn. I know that part of my responsibility as a parent is to teach him. I also want to make sure I'm doing it in a way that will actually help him grow and isn't simply a form of punishing just because he's being a 'bad boy' and making mommy mad. I also want to be loving and full of grace. I realize disciplining him is loving him.

So the question for me isn't 'should I discipline' but 'how?'
It's another area of life and parenting where I often wonder… am I doing this right?

And so I pray and seek God's guidance and confirmation from the Spirit.
I don't yet know. And it seems to me that I see it in other parents, new and experienced, you do the best you can, and yet you are never 100% sure you are doing it all right. You may sense you are right for a little while, and then suddenly you begin to question yourself again and wonder if your method needs to change.

As parents we are going to be constantly learning and growing, so how can we possibly get it right from the beginning?

I'm seriously asking questions, so anyone with answers or partial answers is free to comment with their thoughts.
Until then, I will simply pray for God's guidance and grace to flood over my parenting, strengthen me in goodness and right my wrongs.

Forgiveness and Love

I was driving around listening to the radio trying to ignore the screaming toddler in the backseat when I was reminded (from the guy on the radio of course) about Jesus at the cross saying "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do." (Luke 23:34)

When you take time to really think about this act of grace, love and mercy… it completely brings you to your knees. Here is the Son of God asking for forgiveness for those murdering him. His mercy reached out to those willing to kill God. If there was a scale of sin, I'm pretty sure killing God would be at the top of all sin.

And yet in his love he says 'forgive them'. I can't help but wonder… how much we misunderstand grace and love. On the one hand, I agree and believe that Christ in us produces good fruit, and yet WAY too often we still live out a works oriented theology, never fully receiving and relying on his abundant love and mercy. We can never earn his love and no one is worthy of it, yet he gives it absolutely free of charge! To his own executioners even.

I can't help but think… do I forgive like Christ? Do I love like Christ? Take it a step farther, do I forgive and love like God the Father? Think about it! His only son was killed! It's also pretty common for us to view Christ as the loving one and God the Father as the wrathful one. Christ himself said that if we know Him we will know the Father (John 14:7). That means the love of Christ is the same love poured out by the Father.

Man I hope someone else is blown away by this…
Ephesians 3:17b-19

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

Check out my fruit

So I was reading Matthew 7:15-23:

15 “Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. 16 By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? 17 Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. 18 A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. 19 Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire.20 Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.

21 “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. 22 Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ 23 Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’

So Jesus says we can tell a tree by it's fruit. He also tells us that a person can prophesy, heal, and cast out demons in his name, and still never truly know Him!
I was seriously wrestling with this and wondering what in the world good fruit was then? If even the evidence of miracles is not necessarily good fruit, what is?
I asked myself, what is good fruit? Then the floodgates were opened and Galatians 5:22-23 came in and rushed over my fears and doubts: 

2 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Good fruit has to be the fruits of the Spirit. Another thought that clicked in my head was how the fruits of the Spirit do not allow room for pride, hypocrisy, or self-righteousness. And how easily could someone seek the performance of many miracles for one's own glory. We could easily do something in Jesus' name  but really be using his name in vain. When our 'fruits' bring the glory to ourselves… it's time to reevaluate. Good fruit is not something we do or accomplish, it's who we are becoming. 

Are we living by the Spirit and being transformed to look like Christ?

Milestones

Milestones... oh the milestones... you cannot go through life with a baby without thinking about and tracking milestones. It can be really exciting to watch your little one figuring out different skills and exploring the world around him. It can also be stressful to watch your little one developing at a slower pace than others. The hard part is, that it doesn't matter how many times people tell you that every kid is different, you still compare. You still want to have the kid that is highly developed, a quick learner, happy and well-behaved. Plus, you don't just question your kid's abilities, you also question your parenting. Have I been giving him enough opportunities to pull himself up from a sitting position? Do I play with him too much so he doesn't play well by himself? Have I not played with him enough so that he needs my attention and help in discovering new things? Do I do a good job of teaching him what different things are to help his vocabulary grow? The thoughts, fears and questions never end. The comparisons and expectations never end. I was even reading about some ways of helping newborns with some different developmental skills that I never did with Jeremiah and I began to feel bad that I didn't!

Then I started thinking a little more rationally. For centuries, mothers have not had articles telling them how to help their child develop and reach different milestones. For centuries, mothers have not had Pinterest activities for motor development or problem solving skills. For centuries, mothers have simply loved their children, played with them, lived life with them, and they develop naturally out of curiosity for life and the world. They naturally desire to learn and grow, if I simply let him explore, let him be part of my life and learn from me, he will grow and develop mentally, spiritually and physically.

I've already noticed this to be true. Sure he began crawling at 10 months instead of 7 or 8, but that's normal. Sure he still doesn't have any teeth and he's coming up to 11 months, but that is also normal. He should be pulling himself up from a sitting position by now, and he isn't, but I don't believe it's a developmental delay or something is wrong with him. He has tried and is beginning to figure it out, but he's too interested in other things right now. He'll get there in good time. We talk and sing and play and he's now exploring everything he can crawl up to. He's a smart little guy with a large amount of curiosity and sense of adventure. I know he'll be fine =)

Glamorous

We see it all the time. College graduates going off and... not using their degrees as expected. I used to think this was so stupid. Why would you waste time and money if you're not going to go into the field you study? I was for sure this would never happen to me!
Well, I graduated with a Bachelor of Science in Ministry and my major was Worship Arts. Today I am a domestic engineer (aka stay-at-home-mom). I change dirty diapers, feed the baby, play with the baby, become frustrated with the baby... I clean, cook, manage our finances, plan meals, shop, and run errands with a sometimes not so patient baby... I do give a guitar lesson to a friend, and I do play every other week or so on our worship team. But I have no income, no title, no designated office to work out of.

I began thinking about all of this and how un-glamorous it can be. I'm a mom and wife. It's really just NOT glamorous. It can be beautiful, it can be ugly, and I love it as much as I get frustrated with it, but it's not something you're going to be reading about in my college alumni spotlights.

I know lots of other friends in similar situations. They've graduated college, and are seemingly living this mundane, un-glamorous life. They are working in a field that has nothing to do with their degree, they maybe have yet to find a place to settle down, they might feel stuck and like there's nothing exciting to share about their life.

But you know what? That glamour we seek doesn't really exist. Even when you DO find yourself doing what you always expected you would be doing, even if you are in the field you always dreamed you would be in, or married to the greatest person you know... the glamour always fades. The excitement, the thrill, gets slapped in the face with the reality of hardships, struggles and (shocker) hard work!

I thought there would be glamour in marriage, well it's beautiful I am so happy to be married to this fantastic man... but it sure isn't always glamourous.
I thought there would be glamour in working at Starbucks! (Barista is such a cool title!) But... that glamour also died pretty quick and was way less exciting than I thought it would be.

I thought there would be glamour in being a mom (HA!) I am sooooo not glamourous on a regular basis, and baby boy isn't exactly the perfect angel I was expecting I would have.
I thougt there would be glamour in being a STAY-AT-HOME mom... All the free time I want? Pshh... lets say I have free time to get all the chores done, dinner done, and baby alive. (Throw in an hour of 'me' time if I choose not to nap)

But three things: 1) even if I were a fantastic worship leader, or leading some crazy awesome ministry with victims of human trafficking… the glamour would fade because it should never be about us. 2) My life, in every little mundane thing that I do, only finds glamour and purpose when I turn the spotlight onto God. 3) I LOVE my life not because it feels glamourous but because it is life. It's real, raw, life where I'm learning and growing and changing as a mother, wife, friend and most of all as a servant (even that is not TRULY glamourous). As a servant, if I find myself feeling glamourous, then my focus was never truly servant-hearted.

So back to the whole 'not using your degree' thing: I know that all the experience, knowledge, community and growth I experienced while pursuing my degree has prepared me in more ways than I can explain for my journey. Ministry and Worship is not simply part of a job title, but they permeate my life as a mother, wife, friend and servant. 

I hope this can be somewhat encouraging to others. If you feel like a failure, or like you didn't live up to the expectations, or that the exciting job you sought eventually began to feel like normal life… embrace life. Find God at work in the tiny, mundane things you do every day and LIVE loving others full-heartedly. Nothing is more glamourous than pouring out yourself to love others.

The way the world ought to be…?

I often think about the way the world ought to be. I have all these ideas about the way it should be, this utopia in my head. People should really invest in their community, share and love one another. People ought to have gardens and eat fresh fruits and veggies, make their own meals at home from scratch, and highly limit the processed foods in their diet. FDA should consult natural/organic eating researchers when coming up with their information. We should ban the use of high fructose corn syrup. Everyone should recycle and limit their trash output, their energy use, and do what they can to conserve in every area. People should get out and walk more. Everyone should love and appreciate nature. People ought to be simple, not needing the greatest or newest things. Everyone should love coffee and share a cup a day with someone... ok so some of it is definitely far-fetched. Now at first, I felt that many of these thoughts came from God-honoring desires to take care of what God has given me. I then concluded that this must be the world God wants as well! But the more I have thought about it, and having looked over my list... I realize that while some of these things are good and definitely don't go against the will of God, this is not necessarily the world God wants, it's simply the world I want.

In Isaiah God says,
⁸ “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways,”

declares the Lord.

⁹ “As the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

This is a humble reminder that I cannot fathom the way the world truly ought to be, the way God truly designed it. While there are definitely fundamental truths that we can know about God's desires for us and the world, there is a reason God made us each with unique gifts and differences. Amanda's world would end up crumbling to pieces, everyone cannot be like Amanda, nor should they! (I hardly live up to my own ideals!) Plus, I would cease to be challenged by those who think differently and would cease to grow. I may think I have some great ideas, but I know I am nowhere near perfect and therefore could hardly decide on the perfect order of the world.

 All this to say, Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done, here on earth as it is in heaven.  

Rich Man

  Matthew 19

²⁴ Jesus looked at him and said, “How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God! ²⁵ Indeed, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.

Ouch. It's amazing how true this is... how easily wealth and prosperity entangle us. In the past year, God has done incredible things in our lives. At the beginning of 2014, we found out that we were going to be having a baby. In preparation for this addition, we did what most thought seemed a little contradictory: we downsized. We found a smaller apartment to live in, got rid of a lot of things, cut our bills so that we could afford for me to be a stay at home mom with the new little guy. It really wasn't all that rough for us. There were difficulties to be sure, but we made it work. I was somewhat ungrateful at times, and wished for a larger space, but all in all, we were thankful for what we had. Then at the beginning of 2015 we began thinking more about purchasing a house. We were curious how much more it would add on to our budget and were surprised to find that we could get by with a much larger space and only a slight increase in our monthly bills. God opened the door and by April we became homeowners of a beautiful home, that was much nicer than we could have imagined having as a first home. It's at least 3x the size of our previous duplex. This was a huge answer to prayer and we have been so thankful!
Well today as I was walking around the neighborhood, I was looking at some of the other houses and began to envy some of the larger lots, the ones that had basements or second stories, and began to think and plan on how we might acquire more space. Maybe we could demolish the den and dig into the ground to build a basement and rebuild a den space over it. Then suddenly I caught myself. I realized that all we have been given already has been a HUGE blessing! We are in no way truly deserving of this home. It should have taken another 3-5 years or so before we could become homeowners. I hear story after story of people who had it rough, they saved loose change to get groceries, had to choose between groceries and gas... this has NEVER been a problem for us. We have all that we could ask for and more. Still others give as though we had nothing, and we are truly grateful for every loving gift poured out on us! But you see, all of this, knowing it's not deserved, knowing we have not worked nearly as hard as others have, and yet... I still became envious of more.

I know that God gives us dreams, Joshua and I still dream of one day owning a home in the country. Probably with a little more space so we can house a family of 6 or 7, plus have room for guests. But that's in the future. We have been in this home just over 3 months, and already I had forgotten to be thankful. I don't plan on letting go of our dreams and hopes, but in the meantime, I do plan on growing in my thanks.

²⁶ Those who heard this asked, “Who then can be saved?”
²⁷ Jesus replied, “What is impossible with man is possible with God.”

Thank God he has the ability to transform our hearts into true thanksgiving. May I recognize the Kingdom of God today, where I am at, in our current circumstances, and not expect to find it simply by having more.

Mommy Got Angry

The past few days I've noticed myself getting frustrated to the point of anger, and I felt it was pretty justified at first...

Frustration 1: I'm trying to help Jeremiah get a few more calories and protein in, as well as satisfy his desire for finger foods, so I've been trying some new things. Well first off, he's not liking some of the things I've tried, and then on top of that, he throws it on the floor if he doesn't want it.

Frustration 2: Jeremiah hardly lasts more than 5-10 minutes playing by himself without throwing a fit that often ends in screaming. I try to balance the times I need to get some things done with time I sit down and play and interact with him, but it doesn't seem to be helping...

Frustration 3: I have 3 baby males in the house. 1 baby boy, 2 little kittens... and I am constantly trying to teach them.. mostly by saying 'no' over and over again, which is not the word I wanted to be primary in my daily vocabulary... As much as I try to 'redirect' and be positive, it can be pretty difficult to stay positive by the time 3pm hits...

So eventually the frustrations have led to anger after the 50^th time. I'm ashamed to say that I've thrown cats across the room and when Jeremiah was in his walker screaming and running towards me over and over again while I was trying to clean up a mess that he made, I pushed him away pretty strongly... I eventually broke down in tears and began to feel like this was all WAY more than I asked for.

This morning I began to think about this anger... I asked myself, “Why am I really angry?” and in a moment the Holy Spirit nudged me and said “because you're not in control.” Granted frustrations are normal, and there is a place for anger, but I knew the way my anger kept getting out of hand that this was not right. I can't control Jeremiah, or any person, or cat, for that matter. I want so badly to follow a few simple steps to get him to behave the right way. I always thought it couldn't be THAT hard, but man it is! Especially now that I'm finding how often I fall short of my own expectations. Instead of turning these moments over to God and seeking his guidance in them, I become infuriated that I do not have control. I was never meant to have control, because I don't always know what is best. Thank God that He does and He is willing to teach me through this journey.

Here is a prayer I read last night from Stormie Omartian's A Book of Prayer:

Lord, I submit myself to You. I realize that parenting a child in the way You would have me to is beyond my human abilities. I know I need You to help me. I want to partner with You and partake of Your gifts of wisdom, discernment, revelation, and guidance. I also need Your strength and patience, along with a generous portion of Your love flowing through me.
Teach me how to love the way You love me. Where I need to be healed, delivered, changed, matured, or made whole, I invite You to do that in me. Help me to walk in righteousness and integrity before You.
Teach me Your ways, enable me to obey Your commandments and do only what is pleasing in Your sight.

Dry Bones, Mountains, Impossibilities

This morning I was reading about God bringing Ezekiel to the valley of Dry Bones. The imagery is so powerful! I was soaking it all in, and wondered what other's had to say about the passage. 

Then I came across this statement: "Again and again, God asks people not to do what they can, but what they can’t" (Peter Jeffery in Opening Up Ezekiel's Visions).

As Ezekiel walks among all these dry bones, these dead bodies, he is literally wading through hopelessness. There is absolutely nothing he can do amidst all of this death. Not only is there death, but these bones are completely dry and decayed. They've been dead far too long for even the slightest hope that a few could possibly be alive or just on the brink of death. And then God asks him, "Can these bones live?" I have no idea what went through Ezekiel's mind in this moment. If it were me, I think my first thought would have been, "What kind of question is that?" Ezekiel says "O Sovereign Lord, you alone know." I read this a few different ways, and maybe he meant them all at once:

1) O Sovereign Lord, you alone know… how hopeless this situation is. 
2) O Sovereign Lord, you alone know… what do I know?
3) O Sovereign Lord, you alone know… is it possible?
4) O Sovereign Lord, you alone know… you alone are so powerful that it just might be possible…

And then God tells Ezekiel "Prophesy to these bones…" Here Ezekiel does what he is not able to do. Dry bones are raised and given the breath of new life. "Again and again, God asks people not to do what they can, but what they can’t." 

"[Christ's] power is made perfect in [man's] weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9) Dry Bones live, Mountains move, Rocks tremble, the impossible is possible… and we partake in these things, not because we are capable, but because God is powerful. 

Good Friday

Today I've been contemplating thoughts & feelings on good Friday. I listened to a meditation & read a good devotion. I went on a walk, and although all around me I saw life, there was a sharp bite from the wind. I almost expected to feel a stronger sense of death, but I didn't.

The day continued, a normal day. Then, Jeremiah fell asleep in my arms. As I held him I thought of Mary. I thought of her standing there, watching her baby being tortured to death. Although Jesus is God, he was also her baby. I'm sure she could recall some of those precious moments of him as a newborn. She watched him learn and grow. She experienced his love & smiles. She wiped his tears & took care of him…

I cannot even begin to fathom the stabbing pain she felt on this day. As I sit here with my own precious baby, I can't bear to think of something like that happening to him, and Jesus is the most precious of all. My baby, as much as I hate to say it, deserves that death on the cross. We all do. Part of me can hardly believe that is true and if it were to happen I'd do anything I could to prove my son's innocence.
As a mother of a child born into sin, deserving death, I can hardly imagine the pain of the mother of Jesus, who was perfect, blameless, and innocent, taking on the punishment of the world.


Edit: My attention was brought to the Stabat Mater, a 13th century hymn to Mother Mary. Here is it translated in English:

At the cross her station keeping,
Stood the mournful Mother weeping,
Close to Jesus to the last.

Through her heart, His sorrow sharing,
All His bitter anguish bearing,
Now at length the sword had pass'd.

Oh, how sad and sore distress'd
Was that Mother highly blest
Of the sole-begotten One!

Christ above in torment hangs;
She beneath beholds the pangs
Of her dying glorious Son.

Is there one who would not weep,
Whelm'd in miseries so deep
Christ's dear Mother to behold?

Can the human heart refrain
From partaking in her pain,
In that Mother's pain untold?

Bruis'd, derided, curs'd, defil'd,
She beheld her tender child
All with bloody scourges rent.

For the sins of His own nation,
Saw Him hang in desolation,
Till His spirit forth He sent.

O thou Mother! fount of love!
Touch my spirit from above;
Make my heart with thine accord.

Make me feel as thou hast felt;
Make my soul to glow and melt
With the love of Christ our Lord.

Holy Mother! pierce me through;
In my heart each wound renew
Of my Saviour crucified.

Let me share with thee His pain,
Who for all my sins was slain,
Who for me in torments died.

Let me mingle tears with thee,
Mourning Him who mourn'd for me,
All the days that I may live.

By the cross with thee to stay,
There with thee to weep and pray,
Is all I ask of thee to give.

Virgin of all virgins best,
Listen to my fond request
Let me share thy grief divine.

Let me, to my latest breath,
In my body bear the death
Of that dying Son of thine.

Wounded with His every wound,
Steep my soul till it hath swoon'd
In His very blood away.

Be to me, O Virgin, nigh,
Lest in flames I burn and die,
In His awful Judgment day.

Christ, when Thou shalt call me hence,
Be Thy Mother my defence,
Be Thy cross my victory.

While my body here decays,
May my soul Thy goodness praise,
Safe in Paradise with Thee.

My Journey into Motherhood

Life is often full of unexpected surprises, and for me being a mother is one of the biggest surprises of them all. I've been a mother of a born child for almost 5 months and already this journey has been insane! Never in my life have I experienced such a frustrating, tiring, yet peaceful, joyful, love. In a single moment my son can make me want to scream and run, and yet I find myself also with a desire to reach out and comfort my poor baby. It's a never ending dichotomy.

Motherhood has this ability to bring out the best AND the worst in you. I find myself struggling with how selfish I am. This little boy has begun to take up all of my time and energy and I want that back for ME. I miss the days when I could do what I want, when I want, without the demands of a crying child forcing me to put it aside. And yet, I find myself time and time again putting those things aside. I find that I am learning to be selfless and to put his needs above my own. I may get annoyed that he doesn't sleep through the night or take naps very well without me holding him, but here I am with him taking a nap in the moby wrap because I know it will help him sleep.

With Motherhood I'm finding there are no 'one-size-fits-all' when it comes to babies. Every child is unique. While at times another mother's advice, tips, and hints have been helpful for me, sometimes it simply doesn't fit Jeremiah. There are two ways I can deal with this. The first method I've mastered is to keep searching for answers and how-to's and get overwhelmed and frustrated that my baby is 'different', 'high-need', 'fussy', etc. The second method is to not label him as any of those things, but to love who he is and adjust the ways I take care of him to his needs. Just because it's different doesn't mean it's worse. The more negatively I think of his behaviors the less likely I will be able to give him what he needs. To continue with my 'size' analogy: It's kind of like trying to wear a small when you actually need a medium. Wearing a small may sound better than a medium, but all it's doing is making you uncomfortable. 

All in all, motherhood is a challenge. It's a beautiful challenge that I am so thankful God has trusted me with.