The Busy Correlation

So to be honest, a couple days here and there I've done great with the whole internet thing. And then… not so great. I mean all of the things I was doing online I needed to do (insert sarcasm). I mean who doesn't need to make sure to look up a variety of ideas for Thanksgiving and Christmas traditions? It's right around the corner people and we all know that the time to start a tradition is NOW.

The other day Joshua was praying for me and he prayed that I would use my creative mind instead of feeling the need to look everything up all the time. OUCH, but it's true! I pride myself in my creativity, however over the past few years most of my creativity has been Pinterest inspired or copied.

The past couple days I've been overwhelmed with a feeling of busy-ness. I have this list of things to do and ideas to figure out, on top of that I'm trying to be a good mom. For example, the majority of this morning I was stressing over the foods I feed to Jeremiah. I feel like he's had a LOT of goldfish lately, and not very many veggies. There just doesn't seem to be much around the house for me to give him and yet I'm somehow overspending our budget on food! Then I see this article about a family that spends only $50 a week on food for 2 adults and 2 toddlers… I didn't read it, but I can only imagine massive amounts of couponing is involved. And lets be real, ain't nobody got time for that. 

After researching on meal plans and ideas for toddlers and trying this complicated system, I finally decided on a simpler idea (my own actually) and then decided to move on to other tasks like cleaning. I got Jeremiah down for his nap then began sweeping, vacuuming, wiping down counters and putting away dishes. Phew! Done for now…

I'm finally sitting here writing and trying to slow my breathing, because a little thought sparked my mind. There seems to be a correlation between the amount of time I'm looking things up online and the amount of stress I feel. Don't get me wrong, I am the first to 'google that' and I adore the accessibility to information I have at my fingertips; I crave it actually. However, truth be told, the large amount of things I feel like I need to do probably wouldn't be on my list if I had not come across it online.

Researching every thought that comes to mind not only takes up my time, but it then potentially gives me a bigger list of things to do that I would have had before. Thus… I'm busy.

I tend to go over and above on the silliest things, and then I feel the need to top it the next year (like my husband's birthday that's coming up…).  I even researched activities to do with Jeremiah… how about just play with him and spend time with him? Sometimes the most meaningful things don't need much hoopla.

**Update**
After writing this I sat down and began going through part of my Bible Study that I missed a couple weeks ago. This was definitely something I needed to be reminded of:

God created us to be content when we love Him and others sacrificially. 

The writer talks about Ecclesiastes and how multiple times Solomon said he found contentment in the simple daily things: eating, drinking and labor. All of the 'hoopla' we build up is meaningless. But when we lovingly serve God and others by carrying out the seemingly mundane daily tasks, we find satisfaction and meaning.

Something's gotta give….

Last year I lived without internet at home from the months of January to November. Meaning that the first month and a half of Jeremiah's life I didn't have internet. When we did get internet, I BINGED on Netflix like nobody's business. Granted I was doing a ton of breastfeeding at the time so it seemed legit, but I seriously became addicted and had trouble NOT pulling the computer out to start the next episode, even if there were other things I wanted to do (and needed to do). 

This year when we moved in April we again decided to go internet-less for 5 months. Rather than take advantage of the time I could have been investing in Jeremiah, I felt very stressed a lot of the time. There literally were things that I needed to do online, based on the way we've structured our lifestyle: online bills and payments, email and facebook messages, other important things that can only be done online. So I was constantly using a lot of my free time to go find internet with a baby who was getting more and more frustrated sitting on my lap at a coffee-shop with nothing to do and no mommy to interact with (I was too busy trying to get stuff done). 

Then we FINALLY got internet! I was positive this would help me de-stress because now I could get things done AT HOME! Well... it hasn't. Because honestly, it's my crutch. When I can't think of something to do and my mind is getting close to the point where the only thing left to do is muster up some energy and actually spend time playing with my son, it seeks something else to occupy it. I tell myself I can browse pinterest (for absolutely no reason) and still interact with him, but he's not getting my full attention, he's getting my broken, divided, half-hearted attention. 

We don't really have TV (I mean we can watch VHS or DVD movies but we hardly ever do) and Jeremiah isn't interested anyways. Which I actually praise! I'm glad we aren't glued to our TVs on a regular basis. But how can I praise that when I am JUST as bad if not worse with my computer?

I'm sharing this because I'm convicted and I need accountability. I desire a full on relationship with my kids. I want to get down and dirty with them outside rather than lay on my hammock finding something to do on my iPhone. I want to show them how to use their imagination as we play different games together. I want to enjoy the beauty of the world around us with my eyes wide open and take in the wonder of their own explorations.

To be honest, I'm finding that I would rather mindlessly browse the internet than spend time with my son. And as much as that hurts to say and I would never have actually SAID such a thing, it's what my actions say and we all know that actions speak louder than words. So today I commit myself to a challenge:

• I will intentionally have playtime with my kids (and more than 10 minutes a day)
• I will participate in activities with them
• I will use my morning time for devotions (instead of checking facebook)
• I will find a specific time that works for me to accomplish tasks online
• I will limit my 'browsing' time to 30 minutes a day (if it doesn't NEED to be done, it can wait)

So there it is! I truly pray that this will be transformative for my life and the life of my family. If you have any helpful thoughts or advice that is super welcome! This isn't a 'pity-me' post, I don't need people telling me that my internet usage isn't 'that bad' and trying to comfort me or reassure me that I'm a good mother. I've decided, all by myself, that the time I spent on the computer was more than I want for our family's life.

Disclaimer: This does not mean I've forgotten the importance of time to myself, and I know that Jeremiah does not need my constant attention 24/7. I just took a little too much time for myself and neglected sharing in his excitement more than I would like.  

People Pleaser

I've always been a people pleaser. I think we all are in some way, but we just want to please different types of people so it doesn't always look the same. I also like to keep the peace and keep people from arguing or getting mad/frustrated with each other. I strongly dislike conflict.

I have thoughts, opinions, and beliefs that I believe (and hope) are being shaped by the Holy Spirit as I seek to know the heart of God and the love of Christ. Of course, not everyone always agrees with me, nor do I agree with everyone. Lately this has been a source of great anxiety for me because I want to either appease other's thoughts about me and find some common ground so they don't think I'm too off base (from their 'correct' view), or I want to convince them to see things my way.

I was thinking about all of this getting pretty agitated and this verse from Galatians 1:10 came to mind

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.

 So… whenever I live to please others, I am not being a servant of Christ. My people-pleasing tendencies distract me from my purpose to please God! Obviously it is good to listen to what others have to say and to seek wisdom from others in our thoughts of God, but I can't agree with everyone or make everyone ok with what I believe I'm learning from God.

I want to learn to be more open to thoughtful discussion over areas of disagreement and not sense a need to make everyone agree one way or the other.

Thank you to those friends in my life that have allowed for this. That have not always agreed with me or expected me to agree with them, but have contributed to the development of my thoughts. =)

Autumn Grace

This morning I woke up and realized there was a beautiful chilly autumn breeze and began opening my windows. After taking Josh to work I got home and made some pumpkin spice syrup and had a delicious homemade pumpkin latte. Jeremiah played in the den and I got dressed in my favorite fall gear. Jeans, boots, green cardigan, funky orange scarf. We enjoyed a pretty relaxing morning and then ran off to pick Josh back up from work for our ultrasound appointment. On the way I realized it was the perfect autumn day: the breeze, changing colors of the leaves, bright blue sky… it all brought me such peace!
I still was pretty unsure of the gender of our baby. Part of me really thought it was going to be a boy, but this morning I had this feeling… it was time for Autumn =)

Until now, I was wrestling with the name Autumn for a little girl born in February, but this morning made the name absolutely perfect name for her.

Autumn Grace: full of beauty and bestowed with blessings.

Discipline

Good morning! 2 time-outs in 1 hour, we're on a roll!
In case you haven't noticed this blog is becoming more and more of me hashing out my theology and the practices of living out my faith.

Recently I've been figuring out how to discipline a 1 year old. I desire to see him grow and learn. I know that part of my responsibility as a parent is to teach him. I also want to make sure I'm doing it in a way that will actually help him grow and isn't simply a form of punishing just because he's being a 'bad boy' and making mommy mad. I also want to be loving and full of grace. I realize disciplining him is loving him.

So the question for me isn't 'should I discipline' but 'how?'
It's another area of life and parenting where I often wonder… am I doing this right?

And so I pray and seek God's guidance and confirmation from the Spirit.
I don't yet know. And it seems to me that I see it in other parents, new and experienced, you do the best you can, and yet you are never 100% sure you are doing it all right. You may sense you are right for a little while, and then suddenly you begin to question yourself again and wonder if your method needs to change.

As parents we are going to be constantly learning and growing, so how can we possibly get it right from the beginning?

I'm seriously asking questions, so anyone with answers or partial answers is free to comment with their thoughts.
Until then, I will simply pray for God's guidance and grace to flood over my parenting, strengthen me in goodness and right my wrongs.

Forgiveness and Love

I was driving around listening to the radio trying to ignore the screaming toddler in the backseat when I was reminded (from the guy on the radio of course) about Jesus at the cross saying "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do." (Luke 23:34)

When you take time to really think about this act of grace, love and mercy… it completely brings you to your knees. Here is the Son of God asking for forgiveness for those murdering him. His mercy reached out to those willing to kill God. If there was a scale of sin, I'm pretty sure killing God would be at the top of all sin.

And yet in his love he says 'forgive them'. I can't help but wonder… how much we misunderstand grace and love. On the one hand, I agree and believe that Christ in us produces good fruit, and yet WAY too often we still live out a works oriented theology, never fully receiving and relying on his abundant love and mercy. We can never earn his love and no one is worthy of it, yet he gives it absolutely free of charge! To his own executioners even.

I can't help but think… do I forgive like Christ? Do I love like Christ? Take it a step farther, do I forgive and love like God the Father? Think about it! His only son was killed! It's also pretty common for us to view Christ as the loving one and God the Father as the wrathful one. Christ himself said that if we know Him we will know the Father (John 14:7). That means the love of Christ is the same love poured out by the Father.

Man I hope someone else is blown away by this…
Ephesians 3:17b-19

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

Check out my fruit

So I was reading Matthew 7:15-23:

15 “Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. 16 By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? 17 Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. 18 A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. 19 Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire.20 Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.

21 “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. 22 Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ 23 Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’

So Jesus says we can tell a tree by it's fruit. He also tells us that a person can prophesy, heal, and cast out demons in his name, and still never truly know Him!
I was seriously wrestling with this and wondering what in the world good fruit was then? If even the evidence of miracles is not necessarily good fruit, what is?
I asked myself, what is good fruit? Then the floodgates were opened and Galatians 5:22-23 came in and rushed over my fears and doubts: 

2 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Good fruit has to be the fruits of the Spirit. Another thought that clicked in my head was how the fruits of the Spirit do not allow room for pride, hypocrisy, or self-righteousness. And how easily could someone seek the performance of many miracles for one's own glory. We could easily do something in Jesus' name  but really be using his name in vain. When our 'fruits' bring the glory to ourselves… it's time to reevaluate. Good fruit is not something we do or accomplish, it's who we are becoming. 

Are we living by the Spirit and being transformed to look like Christ?