Life with two...

So a lot of people ask me how life with two is, now that Autumn has arrived. It's definitely a valid question, and my answer has been: "honestly, easier than I expected!" I went into this adventure thinking it was going to be the roughest thing I'd ever done, and in this case, it set me up for a pleasant surprise. I found out that I actually can handle it, well… with tons of prayer, guidance and support.

However, the question I've not been asked is.. how is life with a toddler? Cause let me tell ya… I wasn't anticipating that even on days that Autumn sleeps well and hardly bats an eye at the fact that I've not been holding her 24/7, I would still have this joyful, energetic, curious, toddler who is finding out he has a will and seems to want to do nothing more than exactly what I've asked him to stop doing.

I'm exhausted. I thought that if I could simply teach him well, utilize discipline in a loving manner, he would be obedient. I thought that if I could just do everything right, I would still have my sanity intact. Kids are a reflection of their parents right? Well… yes and no. I know that there are definitely some things I have done wrong, and some ways I need to grow in truly loving and teaching him… but I also know that this kid has his own mind and heart. Just like I rebel against my perfectly loving Father, my son is surely going to rebel against his imperfectly trying-to-be-loving mother.

Like anybody else, I have good days and bad days… and in every single day there are good and bad moments. There are a couple thoughts I've had today that help me keep going and know that it's alright:

First, this grace offered by Ann Voskamp: "The art of really celebrating life isn't about getting it right - but about receiving Grace… Regardless of the mess of your life, if Christ is Lord of your life, then we are the celebrants out dancing in a wild rain of grace-- because when it's all done and finished, all is well and Christ already said it was finished."  I'm not responsible for getting it all right, but for living in God's abundant grace for all of my failures and mistakes, especially in parenting.

Second, Jeremiah is learning and he is full of love,  joy and excitement. When I take a moment to stop looking at all the things he's doing wrong, and instead see how much he is growing and learning, I can respond to those things differently. Discipline is about teaching, not punishment. At times there are consequences for repeated disobedience, however my ultimate goal is to embrace his dynamic personality and encourage him to explore in ways that are good.

Third, sometimes I feel like an awful, horrible mother, but even in those times I mess up, he hugs me and kisses me, he seeks my approval and attention, he desires my company… I can tell he loves me still. So we will continue to imperfectly learn the perfect love of the Father together.

The Birth of Autumn Grace (From Both Perspectives)

Amanda: I would like to share with you the journey of Autumn's arrival! It was a difficult, but beautiful day in our lives.

The night before she came, Rachel Wells and I had a night out at Reverie, to drink lattes and color in our coloring books. We both needed and enjoyed it! Looking back on that night, I'm thankful the caffeine didn't affect me too strongly and I got at least 5 hours of sleep (sorry Rachel, I know you had a bit more trouble sleeping...)

Throughout the earlier part of the night I kept tossing and turning and needing to get up to pee. When I got up I noticed my stomach felt a little tight, but figured they were more practice contractions. Around 2am Josh had gotten up to let our cats inside and I was for sure it was probably 5am because I felt wide awake. This is when I realized I had been having somewhat regular contractions about every 8-10 minutes or so. They were pretty light, but still noticeable. I still wasn't sure if this was it or not, and since I could no longer sleep, I got up to move around and see if they would either increase or go away.

They kept coming! For the next two & half hours, I cleaned up some things, had a snack, drank some raspberry leaf tea, spent some time in God's Word, got ready in case it really was the day (I still wasn't 100% sure), tried distracting my mind by watching Psych, all the while still timing the contractions. They were still coming regularly, so about 4:30am I decided to let Josh know. 

Joshua: I was surprisingly woken up at 4:30am with the news that Amanda was having some steady contractions. Since they weren't too strong yet, she graciously allowed me to go back to sleep... but I didn't really sleep because I was too busy thinking about the fact that Autumn might be coming today! So about 5:30am I decided to get up and tried to start going about the day as I normally would (We still weren't sure how close she actually was). 

Between 6 and 6:30am we realized that the contractions were about 3-5 minutes apart so we began making phone calls to let people know Autumn was on her way! Rachel came to get Jeremiah, and we started preparing the house for Autumn's arrival. Around 7:45am Deidre's assistant Sarah showed up to see how we were doing and to help us spur labor along. At first it was kind of hard for me because I wanted to be Amanda's only help, but then I realized that she had some good ideas and help that I might not have thought of.

Amanda: Sarah suggested we go on a walk, so we put on some light layers and headed out! About 5-10 minutes into the walk my water broke! So we went back to the house and the contractions kicked up a notch. Shortly afterwards, Jessica and Deidre arrived and began setting everything up and getting ready! The contractions kept getting harder and stronger. Most of what I remember from that point is how difficult it was getting for me. They checked me at one point but it wasn't time to push, so they encouraged me to keep moving around and trying different positions. I just wanted to either hit pause and sleep a couple hours or get to the pushing part and get her out.

Josh: For those few hours, it was just a lot of waiting and trying to help Amanda relax through the contractions. I felt a little useless at times, like I wasn't able to do much to actually help. 

Amanda: But simply being there, helping support me and encourage me was incredibly helpful! I probably would have given up without Joshua's support. I was also encouraged by Deidre, she took time to pray for me and play some worship music for me to calm my mind as I got through some contractions.

Josh: There was a little comic relief when we tried figuring out how Amanda's camera worked while she was laboring. Then finally, after a good chunk of time, we had a green light for Amanda to start pushing whenever she felt ready. She pushed for about 20 minutes and Autumn arrived very quickly! As soon as she came out we knew that she was Amanda's daughter, she looked exactly like her.

Amanda's baby picture

We were also thankful for a huge answer to prayer that Amanda's bleeding stopped after Autumn arrived. With Jeremiah, Amanda had a postpartum hemorrhage, and we were concerned it would happen again.

Through the whole process, I felt a lot more relaxed and at ease. It felt more like a natural event than an emergency situation. It was an enjoyable experience (well, for me lol).

Amanda: It's amazing how in the midst of pain, it often seems like you can no longer handle it, you can't possibly keep going, and yet you really have more strength and capability than you realized. Although the labor was much more difficult this time around, the pushing was a whole lot easier! By the time she was born, all of that pain was in the background and no longer mattered. Also it was such a neat experience to do it all in the comfort of our own home. There was a beautiful freedom in it all. Afterwards I had much more energy than I had with Jeremiah and was able to enjoy this beautiful baby girl. She came in at 8# 9oz and 20in long with a head full of hair! We were so very blessed to have Deidre, Jessica and Sarah there with us, guiding us through this amazing event.  And we are blessed to have this baby girl, Autumn Grace.

The Downfall of Comparison

I am convinced that act of comparison is one of our worst enemies. The more we compare, the less satisfied we are with our current state. If I compare myself to another, most often I am looking at someone who is or has what I wish I did and suddenly I feel inadequate. If I compare my husband or my son to another's, often I find that I expect more of them than I would have previously. My heart becomes steeped in envy and ungrateful for the many gifts and blessings that I currently have.

Also, more often than not, I'm comparing what I have with a filtered version of what someone else has. How many of us turn our mugs, layer the books, or set the stage just right, before snapping a pic to post on instagram?

Example: I recently read a home-birth story and saw the pictures that were taken for them and began to feel like my home wasn't going to be cozy or comfy enough for a home-birth. It's smaller than some other homes and it probably won't look quite as glamourous as it did for this family…

But in all reality, they hired a photographer who's primary job is to make it all look beautiful, and cozy. Their job is to avoid the mess and to make everything look just right. The beauty in it all is much more than having everything perfect, but in the little beauty that arrives.

I don't have to have what someone else has in order to know that I am loved and blessed. I didn't marry someone else's husband, therefore I should never compare my husband to a man I'm definitely not interested in committing to live life beside. I didn't bear and birth another woman's child, I didn't buy that family's home… I've received these gifts for me and my family, and they are beautiful.

All in all, it simply doesn't make sense to compare… so just stop it ;)

How Deep The Father's Love...

Ok. I am asking you to just pretend you know nothing about the Love of God, the Love of Christ…

This morning I was out and about getting errands done, and had this crazy image in my head of the bridge I was driving on blowing up (too many movies I know) I began to think about what those last moments would be like for me, my son, Jeremiah and my unborn daughter, Autumn. The mere thought brought me to gut-wrenching sobs (not so safe for driving I know…). I was completely overwhelmed to even think of pain inflicted on my son. I love him dearly, and cannot comprehend it.

Every time I have such thoughts enter my mind, I find myself with this heart-cry "can God really be good even if this happened?" I find myself feeling angry (again this is all just in my head, nobody has died) and in such pain that I can't believe God would allow it to happen, because for some, it does happen, it has happened, and it will… I will one day lose someone dear to me, unexpectedly.

As these thoughts flooded my heart a bigger and even more gut-wrenching thought entered. I was literally washed over with this deeper understanding of the Father's Love. I'm imperfect and unable to love perfectly… and yet the thought of losing my son is so intense I can barely handle it. But God's love is perfect. He is wholly loving towards each one of us, unashamedly giving EVERYTHING. I'd like to think I would give everything for my son, daughter and husband to save their life if I could… I hope I would do so for other family members and good friends… But His absolute, perfect, never-failing love, would do that for me, would do that for you, and would do that for those whom would betray him.

After this I was reading in Mark where Jesus appointed the 12 and it says "Jesus went up on a mountainside and called to him those he wanted," (Mk 3:13). Those he wanted. It then lists the disciples all the way up to Judas Iscariot "who betrayed him". But you know what, Jesus wanted him. God loved Judas and chose Judas, all the while knowing he would betray him. Can you imagine that kind of love? When have you loved someone, knowing they would betray you?

No other love is so deep as the Father's; not even my gut-wrenching sobs over the mere thoughts of losing my son. I cannot even fathom the heart-break of the Father over the death of Christ.

His love is so good, pure, and beautiful… it draws us closer if we would simply look into His loving gaze and allow ourselves to feel His embrace.

It's almost impossible to talk about His love and give it justice. Know that today you are gut-wrenching, sobbing, wholly loved by the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. It brings Him pain to see and to think of your pain. But it also brings Him joy to simply love you, and to know you.