Something's gotta give….

Last year I lived without internet at home from the months of January to November. Meaning that the first month and a half of Jeremiah's life I didn't have internet. When we did get internet, I BINGED on Netflix like nobody's business. Granted I was doing a ton of breastfeeding at the time so it seemed legit, but I seriously became addicted and had trouble NOT pulling the computer out to start the next episode, even if there were other things I wanted to do (and needed to do). 

This year when we moved in April we again decided to go internet-less for 5 months. Rather than take advantage of the time I could have been investing in Jeremiah, I felt very stressed a lot of the time. There literally were things that I needed to do online, based on the way we've structured our lifestyle: online bills and payments, email and facebook messages, other important things that can only be done online. So I was constantly using a lot of my free time to go find internet with a baby who was getting more and more frustrated sitting on my lap at a coffee-shop with nothing to do and no mommy to interact with (I was too busy trying to get stuff done). 

Then we FINALLY got internet! I was positive this would help me de-stress because now I could get things done AT HOME! Well... it hasn't. Because honestly, it's my crutch. When I can't think of something to do and my mind is getting close to the point where the only thing left to do is muster up some energy and actually spend time playing with my son, it seeks something else to occupy it. I tell myself I can browse pinterest (for absolutely no reason) and still interact with him, but he's not getting my full attention, he's getting my broken, divided, half-hearted attention. 

We don't really have TV (I mean we can watch VHS or DVD movies but we hardly ever do) and Jeremiah isn't interested anyways. Which I actually praise! I'm glad we aren't glued to our TVs on a regular basis. But how can I praise that when I am JUST as bad if not worse with my computer?

I'm sharing this because I'm convicted and I need accountability. I desire a full on relationship with my kids. I want to get down and dirty with them outside rather than lay on my hammock finding something to do on my iPhone. I want to show them how to use their imagination as we play different games together. I want to enjoy the beauty of the world around us with my eyes wide open and take in the wonder of their own explorations.

To be honest, I'm finding that I would rather mindlessly browse the internet than spend time with my son. And as much as that hurts to say and I would never have actually SAID such a thing, it's what my actions say and we all know that actions speak louder than words. So today I commit myself to a challenge:

• I will intentionally have playtime with my kids (and more than 10 minutes a day)
• I will participate in activities with them
• I will use my morning time for devotions (instead of checking facebook)
• I will find a specific time that works for me to accomplish tasks online
• I will limit my 'browsing' time to 30 minutes a day (if it doesn't NEED to be done, it can wait)

So there it is! I truly pray that this will be transformative for my life and the life of my family. If you have any helpful thoughts or advice that is super welcome! This isn't a 'pity-me' post, I don't need people telling me that my internet usage isn't 'that bad' and trying to comfort me or reassure me that I'm a good mother. I've decided, all by myself, that the time I spent on the computer was more than I want for our family's life.

Disclaimer: This does not mean I've forgotten the importance of time to myself, and I know that Jeremiah does not need my constant attention 24/7. I just took a little too much time for myself and neglected sharing in his excitement more than I would like.